Or: Why I simply love listening to the radio in my car

Unpopular, deeply uncool Elder Millennial habit: I love listening to terrestrial, commercial mainstream music radio, especially in the car. Your Jacks and your Bobs FM. The kinds of stations that have been running Tittz And Buffjax In The Morning for the last twenty years. Anything that promises me the hits of A Decade, Another Decade, and Today.

This morning I heard Outkast’s “Hey Ya” on my way to pick up a curbside order at the HEB up on Rundberg, which of course means I will hear “Hey Ya” several more times in the coming days, because this is the way of things. I don’t know how the arcane art of radio programming works (something to do with the tides, I assume), but I do know that there are some songs you can go months without hearing, and then you’ll hear them every day for a week.

I have thus entered into a “Hey Ya” Songcycle. I like “Hey Ya” Songcycles, not least because I like “Hey Ya” the song itself, but I like what they mean, too. “Hey Ya” Songcycles are defined by a combination of tension and optimism, usually a period of stasis before change.

Think of Songcycles as a kind of musical, more malleable zodiac — periods hallmarked by the traits of certain songs, subtly molding your universe.

I do not love all Songcycle songs, but like everyone on earth, I am at nevertheless at their mercy. You are, too, even if you don’t know it yet.

But first allow me to spend some time justifying myself to a bunch of internet strangers by explaining why I, an otherwise eminently self-possessed woman of 40 youthful years, about half of which I spent being a mid-level music snob, has surrendered to commercial radio. The short answer is ADHD brain. The longer answer is also ADHD brain:

• I hate making decisions. I live in fear of making the wrong one. I am also burdened with a superhuman ability to see all possible outcomes of all possible decisions at once. This is overwhelming.
• I hate being bored, but especially as a result of my own decision-making. I tend to blame myself for my own boredom, and if I am really bored (and I often am) I will brain-spiral backwards to identify the exact moment I made the decision that led me to the present boredom. I will then mentally berate myself, sunk-cost-fallacy style, while calculating the valuable time lost to boredom.
• I’m tired of having opinions about things, perhaps because I more or less make my living from having opinions about things.
• I value novelty and surprise, but only to a point. I am delighted when I hear an old, long-forgotten song, but I don’t want to be constantly fucking with Tidal’s algorithm, which seems to think that because I like, say, two screamo songs from my youth, I want to hear a lot of unfamiliar screamo all day long.

So here we are. Listening exclusively to commercial radio in the car takes so many decisions off my plate. Baseline, it keeps my eyes and hands off my phone, which is better for everyone on earth. More than that: I am soothed by the prospect that, if I do become bored, I will be bored for seconds or minutes only. It’s both inevitable and not really my fault. I can always change the station, and Austin has about a dozen stations I like well enough to put on my presets. I am relieved to have someone else responsible for making my programming decisions for me, and also that those programming decisions occur within the general parameters of “lowest common denominator acceptable to the most people at once.” Few bangers, true. But even fewer true duds.

So let us dive into the rules of Songcycle Theory.

• Songcycle songs are universal, but Songcycles themselves are highly individual. Songcycles begin when you hear one of the songs, and that cycle lasts until you hear another one of the songs. Unless there’s someone in your life who listens exclusively to the exact same music you listen to at the exact same time, everyone’s on a different Songcycle.
• Songcycle Canon songs are the songs. They are universal to all listeners located within a particular terrestrial radio geography. The Songcycle Canon I detail here applies to my geography (dominant-English-speaking, Southern U.S.) Now, you personally may choose to listen to certain of your favorite non-Songcycle earworms more often than others, and those songs may hold certain truths/portents for your life much the way the Songcycle Canon does for everyone, but your chosen earworm songs/song-obsessions are independent of Songcycle Theory.
• Songcycle Charting is ideally conducted via terrestrial radio, but may also be charted by paying attention to what they are playing at chain coffee shops or the grocery store. While the music at coffee shops/supermarkets is likely satellite or otherwise non-terrestrially piped-in programming, its corporate-friendly and predictably inoffensive nature mean it is an appropriate supplement or substitute for traditional Songcycle Charting.
• While everyone’s Songcycle is different, the songs themselves hold consistent meanings for all listeners across cycles.
• Additions to the Songcycle Canon are possible but limited. Songs in the Songcycle Canon are mostly popular hits greater than five but less than 50 years old. Ideally there is some genre/programming crossover that makes the Songcycle Canon identifiable to a wide swath of people across identities and geographies.

If you don’t like these rules, I am sorry. There is nothing I can do about it. I don’t make the rules*, I simply report them. (*I absolutely do make the rules.)

Let’s talk about some of the songs in the Songcycle Canon, and what they mean:

“You Get What You Give” by New Radicals

This Y2K-era banger surfaces when you’re in a time of searching and uncertainty. “You Get What You Give” Songcycles are defined by possibility and freethinking. You should eat a lot of Thai food during YGWYG cycles.

“The Real Slim Shady” by Eminem

“The Real Slim Shady” Songcycle ushers in a period of generative conflict, but also overspending.

Anything Off Of Pearl Jam’s Ten

Let’s be real, this is mostly going to be either “Even Flow” or “Jeremy” but there are some other Ten hits that resurface from time to time. During Pearl Jam Songcycles, you should focus on nesting, introspection, and reconnecting with your home, partner, and family.

“Promiscuous” by Nelly Furtado feat. Timbaland

Look for a new job or hobby during a “Promiscuous” Songcycle, but the title is a red herring. Do not extend the cycle’s propensity for novelty to include searching out new sexual or romantic partners. “Promiscuous” Songcycles are a good time to either drastically increase, or drastically decrease, your caffeine consumption.

“Centerfold” by the J. Geils Band

“Centerfold” Songcycles are unstable at best. They are defined by chaos. Best to hunker down and power through. No sudden movements.

“Somebody That I Used To Know” by Gotye

This Songcycle will really sneak up on you, bringing with it a season of high creativity and low productivity. When it hits, it hits. Focus on self-care and small changes that improve your life and comfort. Good time to send greeting cards.

“Electric Avenue” by Eddy Grant

A particularly exciting, high-energy Songcycle! Defined by rule-breaking and paradigm-shifts, the “Electric Avenue” cycle is the ideal time to consume spicy foods.

“You Shook Me All Night Long” by AC/DC

You should try to get out of this cycle as soon as possible.

“Running Up That Hill” by Kate Bush

A particularly auspicious Songcycle! “Running Up That Hill” signifies a time of gaining great wisdom, but perhaps at great expense. Take risks during this period, but be prepared to fail, and mightily.

“Landslide” by Fleetwood Mac

The “Landslide” cycle can be deceptively tricky. On the one hand, it’s a period of rebirth — not a bad time to get back to basics by revisiting core skills in your favorite hobby or chosen profession. On the other hand, it is ruled emotionally by the spirits of revenge and vindictiveness.

“What’s Love Got To Do With It” by Tina Turner

A universally blessed Songcycle. Seize the peaks of this cycle by sharing meals with loved ones, donating money to beloved and righteous causes, and buying yourself a special treat.

Now that you know about Songcycle Theory, you can chart your own Songcycles! Let me know how it goes, and if there are songs you think should be added to the Canon. I will probably seriously consider them before ultimately rejecting them, but there’s no harm in trying (especially if you’re already in a “Running Up That Hill” Songcycle).

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